Friday, April 24, 2009

Relinquishing Control

We have spent the last couple of days adjusting to Lillian being in the family, and it has been surprisingly smooth. Zosia loves to take care of Lily, Lily seems to be a great sleeper and nurser, and is actually happy being awake for pretty long periods of time, which was never the case with #1. And we've been accepting huge amounts of help, including the help of at least one adult every day of the week with Zosia. But as I'm looking forward to next week, when Ben goes back to work part time, and the week after that, when Ben's back at work and we cut back on help, I'm starting to realize that I can no longer imagine that I am in control of everything that happens in this house.

I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but last week Zosia was being an extremely high needs toddler. For several days, she literally followed me around the house chanting "Ma-ma! Ma-ma!" crying. And it was frustrating not only because nothing that I did seemed to sooth her, but also because I felt really limited because I was so pregnant (and couldn't really hold her, or play very actively with her, etc). We had no idea what was going on, and ultimately on Monday (before I went into labor), Ben went to an after hours doctor to get her checked out to rule out anything serious. The doctor didn't find anything, but lo and behold, yesterday when I was taking a bath with Zosia she let me look in her mouth and I found two big new molars poking out of her gums. The whole experience of her being so fussy and me being unable to help her was such a feeling of powerlessness, which is something that I haven't experienced that much with Zosia. When she was little, I pretty much felt like between keeping a consistent routine, taking measures to calm her, and limiting outside factors, I was able to keep her happy.

However, the last couple of days, I have definitely realized that being in control is not something that I will feel in the next weeks. There are simply times that I won't be able to keep everyone happy-- like this morning, when I was nursing Lily and Zosia was convinced that she should be the one on my lap (and kept saying "Swing!" commanding me to place Lily in the swing). But I'm trying to roll with it and be humbled by the fact that I am not in control, and even when I thought I was in control in the past, I still wasn't really in control. I guess such is the experience of being a parent, but man, it's still hard.

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